I longed for a home,
and I wandered.
In search of this home,
I wandered for ages.
A place I call beautiful,
where I am me.
A place where I accept,
and I am accepted.
I am in agony,
with myself.
The agony of not being,
in a home nor in self.
I am in agony,
with the memories.
The memories of lost homes,
where I was accepted, but I didn’t.
Homes where I was accepted.
And the memories of homes,
I accepted, but they didn’t.
Homes where I could not accept.
And I kept wandering,
in search of this home.
As I wandered,
I kept growing.
Until I found me!
And I accepted all.
I accepted myself!
I then realized!
I have a company.
A company of my own.
The company of loneliness!
Ah, the pain it brought!
The whole search for a home,
was an escape from this pain.
The whole search;
The deep longingness;
The desire and wants,
for a home;
was an escape from this pain.
The home I seek is far away,
for I took a path none takes.
At times, I look back at the homes,
but all I see are the ruins of myself.
And I feel it deep down inside,
the pain of loss and long.
And at times, I visit the homes I had,
but all I find are closed doors for me.
And I feel it deep down inside,
the pain of loss and long.
At times, when I am lonely,
I cry out for the hands I had.
I now wonder where to wander,
for a home to be loved.
And I calm myself in this pain,
knowing I am all alone here.
Then there are days when I stand,
and look forward to build a home.
Only to realize I don’t fit in,
for I outgrow wherever I am.
No matter how far I go;
No matter how deep I hide;
No matter how much I beg;
No matter how much I escape;
No matter how many I meet;
No matter how, where, or why,
I always end up here,
in this darkness of light!
And I feel it deep down inside,
an unbearable pain.
This path I am on feels tough,
and is harsh on my soul.
The illusions of hope,
keeps me moving in search.
Now I wonder if I will ever have a home,
for this agony seems to be my home.
ego feels..! 